Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is like the KFC Double Down sandwich: It’s equal parts hideous and irresistible. You know that he’s a bigoted clown who has no idea what he’s talking about. You know he’ll never be president. But you find yourself obsessively clicking on every story that pops up about his presidential campaign because it is just so, so amazing.
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The best part about Trump’s presidential campaign is that he’s only been at it for five weeks. And in those five weeks he has said all kinds of stupid, belligerent and ignorant garbage that makes the average C-Span caller look well informed and level-headed by comparison.
And I cannot get enough of it. And neither, dear reader, can you.
To celebrate Trump’s five weeks of fear and loathing on the campaign trail, here are my picks for the five most awesomely stupid things he’s done since announcing his bid for the presidency.
No. 5: Gave Senator Lindsey Graham’s personal phone number to the entire world. In a move that certainly made the senator’s phone number completely unusable for the foreseeable future, Trump encouraged a large group of fans to try calling a personal phone number that Lindsey Graham gave him a few years ago. It’s safe to say that Graham’s voicemail has subsequently been flooded by messages from angry Trump fans, who judging by their Facebook pages are mostly unemployed guys with shirtless profile pics.
No. 4: Said he still doesn’t know whether President Barack Obama was born in America. Whatever lingering doubts there were about Obama’s place of birth were put to rest when he released his official long-form birth certificate back in 2011. Such conclusive evidence still isn’t enough to convince The Donald, however, as he recently said, “I don’t know. I really don’t know” when asked if Obama was born in the U.S. As we’ll see later, Trump really, really doesn’t like to ever admit making mistakes.
No. 3: Concocted an insane plan to force Mexico to pay for a fence along the U.S.-Mexican border. Even if you think building a massive fence along the Southern border is a good idea, surely you don’t think the Mexican government would ever sign off on paying for the whole thing… right? Well, don’t tell that to Trump because he has a cunning plan to force Mexico to foot the bill for the entire thing.
Trump’s plan is this: Jack up tariffs on Mexico to hurt its economy until it “starts behaving” and agrees to pay for the fence. Of course, hurting Mexico’s economy will also lead to a big flood of workers trying to enter the U.S. illegally to look for jobs. Not to mention hurting Mexico’s economy will also impair its ability to pay for the wall in the first place.
But never mind those silly details! Trump got to where he is today by yelling at people until they did what he told them and I’m sure that same style will work wonders in the realm of international trade disputes!
No. 2: Said Senator John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he got captured. As an experienced Trump observer, even this made my jaw drop. Senator John McCain was captured and tortured by the Viet Cong during the Vietnam War. No matter what you think of his politics or anything he’s done since the war, you cannot deny that he heroically served his country… unless, that is, you’re chickenhawk Donald Trump.
“He’s not a war hero,” said Trump, who spent the ’60s receiving a heroic four deferments. “He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”
Trump never apologized for this, of course, because Trump never does anything wrong.
No. 1: Says Mexico is sending “rapists” over the border. This is the message that Trump used to kick off his campaign all those weeks ago: That Mexico is intentionally sending “rapists” into the U.S., presumably so it doesn’t have to spend money arresting and jailing them.
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best,” Trump fumed. “They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
Hey at least Trump allowed that “some” people who come into the U.S. and pick lettuce all day for below the minimum wage are doing so for reasons besides raping people!
Then again, Trump is only assuming that a small percentage of Mexicans crossing the border aren’t rapists — if he studied the matter a little further, he might conclude that the correlation between Mexicans and rapists is a pure 1:1.
At any rate, as fun as Trump’s campaign has been so far, let’s keep in mind that we’re still just at the beginning… and the debates are on their way! This means Trump has a lot more time to insult everyone, not just Mexican immigrants and prisoners of war.