Quite possibly the biggest takeaway from the celebrity photo leak scandal from earlier in the week is that our information in the cloud is never as secure as we’d like it to be. No matter how much time and effort you put into protecting your data, there’s probably someone out there who can hack it. That’s why “Apple” (by way of Funny or Die) has decided to solve the problem once and for all.

Rather than hire more programmers to beef up security for the iCloud, Apple has apparently decided to simply not include its cloud storage service on the next iPhone.

“Bad people got into the iCloud. Now, nobody can use it,” explains definitely not-real Apple designer John Allisin.

Apple’s original plans were innocent enough — you should be able to share your life with your friends and your family over the Internet. Unfortunately, a few jerks ruined it for the rest of us, so Apple has removed the camera from the iPhone 6. It won’t even be able to get online. It’s just a phone now, and it only calls your parents.

And for all the creeps out there who aren’t interested in an iPhone that can’t access the Internet, it might be worth looking into the iPhone 4chan. Watch the video from Funny or Die below, but turn the volume down if you’re at work: there are a few colorful details within.

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