Destiny 2 is one of the most highly anticipated games of the year, and its release is finally upon us. The game technically launches at 12:01AM EST tomorrow, September 6th, but lots of pre-orders have already landed in the hands of eager games, and the servers are up and running, and packed with players as we speak. With all this hype, I’ve been thinking hard about how I’m going to get out of work (that thing that I’m doing right this second), and while I’m too dedicated to my profession to actually use any of them, I’ve come up with some really stellar excuses that would help me accomplish that task. I’d like to share them with you.
First, a brief disclaimer here: Neither I nor BGR are responsible for the results of actually trying any of these. If you lose your job or find yourself with a yard covered in poop (this will make sense in a second) you might be filled with regret, but don’t come crying to me about it. I’m just trying to help you level up your guardian before your friends know what hit them.
“I’m violently ill” – The classic “I’m sick” line is still a favorite for all the obvious reasons. It’s hard to counter, and there’s lots of different types of sickness to choose from. Unfortunately it’s also a big eyebrow-raiser, especially on the launch day of a popular game. You can still lean on this time-tested excuse as long as you’re willing to really sell it, so I’d recommend attempting a live (fake) dry heave while on the phone with your employer. Take a few tablespoons of ketchup in your mouth and make the call, by the end of your first sentence you’ll be ready to gag, and you can spew that red paste with all your might. It’ll sound convincing, and you can spend the rest of the day slaying virtual bad guys on the couch.
“I can’t get a babysitter” – If you have kids, this is a real winner. Simply claim that your regular childcare provider left you high and dry and you have nowhere to leave your youngster. The best part is that you can play this off as though the babysitter is actually the unreliable one in this whole equation, and you’re simply the victim of unfortunate circumstance. If a baby is crying in the background this one will be ultra-smooth. Not recommended if you don’t actually have any kids.
“My car broke down” – Another classic, but this one is typically reserved for simply being late for work, rather than needing the whole day off. The best way to sell this one as a full-day excuse is to come up with a reason why you can’t just get a ride from someone else. My favorite twist on this is a fake tire blow-out. You can’t get to work, but you also have to stay with the car while it is towed to a repair shop and then you have to haggle with the mechanics over the extent of the damage and repair cost because your job doesn’t pay enough and you really do deserve a raise. Two birds with one stone.
“My dog is sick” – I just recently adopted a puppy, and let me tell you, this dog is adorable. I’d never leave it in a state of illness, and if he drops a barf at 4AM, I’m not letting it out of my sight for at least 24 hours. Everyone loves dogs, and you’ll get some real sympathy points for being a good pet parent. Protip: If your employer wants proof, overcooked oatmeal looks a lot like dog barf.
“I’ve been called to jury duty” – Okay, this is a tricky one, and it might actually be a felony depending on how far you take it, but listen, those Cabal soldiers aren’t going to dispatch themselves, am I right? Employers are obligated to give you time off for jury duty, but they’ll almost always ask for proof that you actually have been called in. You can find templates for fake jury duty summons notices online, and while it’s definitely illegal, it’ll also definitely buy you at least 24 hours to grind out some nice gear for your guardian.
“My house is falling apart” – There’s not many home repair issues that would cause you to miss a full day of work, but they do exist. Burst pipes or an overflowing septic tank are good options here, and there’s plenty of easily sellable photos you can snag online to help make your case. I wouldn’t recommend actually dousing your home in water or spreading fecal matter on your yard in an attempt at realism, but if your boss is a real stickler, you might feel motivated to do so.
Okay, now that you have the day off, keep your fingers crossed that the Destiny 2 servers don’t crash from traffic and force you to do it all again tomorrow. Happy hunting, guardian!