It’s only Monday morning and I’ve already found what is unquestionably the stupidest thing you’ll read this week. Not surprisingly, it focuses on Apple. Why isn’t that a surprise? Because tech writers the world over love making ridiculous contrarian claims about Apple’s products in an effort to stir up commotion and drum up clicks, regardless of how hollow and flat-out stupid their arguments are.

Well congratulations, Boston Herald, it worked. But since I clicked, hopefully my readers won’t have to.

DON’T MISS: iPhone 6s: The 6 most exciting new features hitting Apple’s next iPhone

Apple’s iPhone 6s and iPhone 6s Plus have reportedly just entered mass production, and Apple is apparently eying record sales. If current sales trends continue, the company will likely achieve record sales.

But that won’t stop the inevitable wave of stupidity from washing over the Web ahead of the phones’ upcoming launch.

This latest example is one of the best I’ve seen in quite some time. It has all the makings of a masterpiece: Hollow claims that are completely unsupported, sweeping assumptions, lazy thinking, no sourcing, and what appears to be a concerted effort to provide zero value for the site’s readers.

The caption under the photo at the top of the post says it all: “CAN’T BEAR TO WATCH: With almost no ‘gee whiz’ qualities expected from projected updates to the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, above, and the failure of the Apple Watch, Apple seems to be struggling to hit a home run.”

Ugh.

Apple is a creature of habit. Yes, of course the company switches things up from time to time, like when it launched two new iPhone models in 2014 instead of one. But where the iPhone product cycle is concerned, we’ve seen the same pattern since versions two and three – first, a reimagining. Then, a retooling.

But let’s pretend that hasn’t worked wonderfully for Apple thus far.

“All signs point to Apple’s upcoming iPhone looking virtually the same as the current model — a surprising blunder on the part of the world’s consumer electronics leader.” This is how the Herald’s piece opens, setting the stage for a spectacularly ridiculous post.

The entire piece appears to revolve around the idea that the Apple Watch is a flop, and the next-generation iPhone “needs to be about rescuing sales of the failed Apple Watch.” This idea is based on that data we’ve seen from Slice Intelligence suggesting that sales of the Apple Watch have plummeted 90% since the device debuted in April.

Of note, no one outside of Apple knows how closely this data represents reality. Slice Intelligence has no idea how closely this data represents reality.

“The current iPhone 6 and 6 Plus don’t look like they come from the same product family as the watch, but the presumed iPhone 6s and 6s Plus could have been an opportunity to remedy that rare branding failure on the part of the most skillfully marketed company on the planet,” the article says.

The post then says that, “to its credit,” Apple is planning to launch a rose gold iPhone 6s, which is a “small step toward streamlined branding.”

Let’s pretend for a moment that the success of the Apple Watch hinges on ensuring that it has the same look and feel as the iPhone. It doesn’t, of course, but let’s play make-believe. How exactly does offering the iPhone in a color that probably represents far less than 1% of Apple’s Watch sales help?

But, no matter.

“The Apple Watch is the company’s first foray into wearables, its ‘most personal device’ to date — but also the first new product since the death of Steve Jobs, leaving investors to wonder about the company’s ability to innovate,” the post says.

This is a fantastic point. Wait, no, it’s more garbage. Shares of Apple are up 126% since Steve Jobs passed away in late 2011.

“The new iPhone was an opportunity to put those doubts to rest with new technology that more deeply links to the watch and makes us want it more,” the post continues. “It’s an opportunity the company appears to be passing on even as it readies for the release of its next phone.”

People tend to upgrade their phones every two years, which is why Apple refreshes phones on a two-year cycle. So far, this has kind-of-sort-of worked pretty well for the company, considering it achieves new iPhone sales records every year and is currently responsible for more than 90% of the global smartphone industry’s profits.

Will that end in 2015? Good luck, Herald.

The full article is linked below in our source section. I strongly advise against reading it. If you’d like to read about some of the new features reportedly coming to the next-generation iPhone 6s and iPhone 6s Plus instead, check out our earlier coverage.

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