Straight people in Russia have it really rough. They’re raised in an extremely heterophobic environment in which they’re constantly shamed by religious scolds for being attracted to the opposite sex. Even worse, their own government in recent years has discriminated against them by passing laws that ban “the promotion of non-traditional sexual relationships,” which has resulted in the closure of straight bars and clubs that used to offer straight people precious social outlets where they could congregate without fear of being castigated.

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That was, of course, sarcasm — the reality described above actually applies to gay people in Russia, not straight people. Nonetheless, Vladimir Putin’s ruling United Russia party thinks its straight citizens are the ones who need a pick-me-up, especially with so many people in the world celebrating last week’s Supreme Court ruling that legalized gay marriage throughout the United States.

The Moscow Times brings us word that United Russia has unveiled a new “straight pride” flag aimed at promoting the traditional Russian family, which apparently must include one father, one mother and three children.

“This is our response to same-sex marriage, to this mockery of the concept of the family,” Andrei Lisovenko, deputy head of the United Russia branch in Moscow, explained to Russian publication Izvestia.ru. “We have to warn against gay-fever at home and support traditional values in our country.”

That’s right, Russian straight people: You should never again feel ashamed of your marriage when you see images of happy gay couples getting hitched here in America — you now have a pride flag of your own. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

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