We’re less than a week away from seeing Apple unveil its hotly anticipated next-generation iPhone lineup, including the iPhone 8. Apple’s redesigned flagship iPhone has dominated tech news sites for months now, and we can obviously expect more of the same following the phone’s announcement next week. Apple’s new iPhone 8 — or iPhone Edition, or whatever the company ends up calling it — is the first redesigned iPhone since the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus were released back in 2014, so the level of excitement among Apple fans has reached entirely new levels. Of course, that also means traditional news sites are doing their best to pump out as much iPhone 8 content as possible, in order to reel in some extra eyeballs.

Most of the time, the content these sites churn out is innocuous. Sometimes, however, we’re treated to something special. Such is the case with an article titled “5 Features Apple’s iPhone 8 Needs to Beat Android” published on Thursday by TIME.

I tried my best to ignore it when it popped up on Google News last night. I even closed the tab. But I just knew there was a smoking dumpster fire blazing behind that headline, and I couldn’t stop myself. The good news is it was everything I hoped it would be. The bad news is you’re going to relive it with me.

Apple is in a perpetual state of disaster, always teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. You might not know it to look at the company’s earnings reports each quarter, but it’s apparently true. Just ask the hundreds of doomsday-prepping armchair analysts who come out of the woodwork around this time each year to enlighten us. Apple’s unprecedented success with the iPhone is a fluke, you see, and these insightful bloggers and tech writers know that the bottom could fall out at any moment.

On Thursday, TIME joined the ranks of the fine men and women looking to help consumers avoid the mistake of remaining in the Apple ecosystem. It is doomed, after all, living on borrowed time. It must be sheer dumb luck that Apple still sells any iPhones at all.

From the sound of things over at TIME, the iPhone 8 could finally be the straw that broke the camel’s back. It could be the phone that finally opens the world’s eyes to all of Apple’s shortcomings and sends customers fleeing en masse to Android. It could, dear readers, unless Apple includes five special features. The iPhone 8 NEEDS these five features!

What are these five features that are the pillars on which Apple’s success will be built? Let’s dive in.

  1. “Faster charging.” Apple’s current iPhones charge quite slowly. The iPhone 8 needs to charge faster or no one will buy it.
  2. “A bigger and better screen.” Not just bigger. Also better.
  3. “Storage options that are more affordable and flexible.” iPhone storage options are too expensive. They’re also nowhere near flexible enough. An example of a better phone, per the author, is the new Essential Phone. You know, the one roughly 14 people on the entire planet will buy this year.
  4. “USB-C for universal charging.” 😂😂😂
  5. “More durability.” You might not know this, but the multi-billion dollar iPhone accessory market is set to vanish the day before Apple releases the iPhone 8. No more cases, no more screen protectors. Sorry y’all.

There you have it. Unless Apple releases a $700 iPhone 8 with 128GB of storage, a microSD card slot, a 7-inch Super AMOLED display, a USB-C port, fast charging, and a bulletproof kevlar housing, no one will buy it. It will not — I repeat, NOT — “beat” Android. Bummer.

Oh well, there’s always next year… if Apple can manage to stay in business until then.

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