The massive treasure trove of purported internal CIA documents dropped by WikiLeaks yesterday is going to take a while to sift through, but if there’s one thing that is immediately clear it’s that the agency is absolutely obsessed with naming its hacking tools. Sure, every new exploit, workaround, and technique needs some kind of a label, but these guys were really, really taking things to a whole other level. In fact, they were coming up with names for their tools well in advance of actually having tools to use the names on. Yeah, it’s that absurd.

Here are some of the names the CIA had for hacking tools that it actually used, according to the alleged CIA documents leaked by WikiLeaks:

  • YarnBall
  • SnowyOwl
  • HarpyEagle
  • Weeping Angel
  • Sparrowhawk
  • MaddeningWhispers
  • BaldEagle
  • Bee Sting
  • ShoulderSurfer
  • Fight Club
  • Time Stomper
  • Jukebox
  • Bartender
  • Flash Bang
  • Magical Mutt
  • Melomy DriveIn
  • RickyBobby
  • HyenasHurdle
  • Rain Maker
  • Taxman
  • HammerDrill
  • CandyMountain
  • AntHill
  • Frog Prince
  • The Gibson
  • Cannoli
  • AfterMidnight
  • Packrat
  • RoidRage
  • Cocoon
  • Philosoraptor
  • Kraken
  • Tremor
  • McNugget

Those are some pretty silly names, but even that list pales in comparison to the collections of unused names that multiple users in the CIA file dump kept on hand just in case they were needed. It’s a fascinating glimpse into the brains of what are (allegedly) members of the US intelligence community. Prepare to be amazed:

  • DarkHelmet
  • LockJaw
  • RockyMountain
  • OffKilter
  • Winterfest
  • Oblysium
  • EightPointBuck
  • ViennaLager
  • TenPointBuck
  • SmokeHouse
  • Cattywumpus
  • PublicPaleAle
  • Corruption
  • Tradition
  • The Citizen
  • PennQuarterPorter
  • RagingRoommate
  • CrazyCohabitant
  • DancingDane
  • BlondeZilla
  • GodzillasQuarrel
  • DeluxeBurger
  • WestEndCafe
  • WhizWith
  • WhizWithOut
  • PhillyCheese
  • FrankinCourt
  • PhillyPhanatic
  • PaddysPub
  • DixieCup
  • FarmersRevenge
  • WheatyWinery
  • FunkyFarmer
  • RedScooter
  • KillerTomato
  • TractorThief
  • CombineStealer
  • DeereRobber
  • BalerBurgler
  • DirtyHarvester
  • InternationalHarvester
  • JerseyDevil
  • JerseyShore
  • HoagieHound
  • Snooki’s Revenge
  • PeerlessGroundbreaker
  • Mendicant Engineer
  • Starving Weasel
  • Face Hugger
  • Eldritch Abomination
  • Xanatos Gambit
  • Deadpan Snarker
  • Combat Pragmatist
  • Awesome McToolname
  • Chekhovs Gun
  • Humongous Mecha
  • Literal Genie
  • Monster Clown
  • Confused Undertaking
  • Discharge Tempest
  • Agonizing Neuralgia
  • Chronic Arthralgia

“Awesome McToolname” is probably the best one. Let’s hope it gets used in the future.

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